Being Ascended
by djenie
Summary: Daniel was ascended for a year. What did he learn? Who did he meet? I hope this isn't too abstruse!


**This story is about Daniel, obviously, and I haven't focused much on him before. Hopefully I haven't gone too far out of character.**

**This takes place during the year that Daniel is ascended.**

**This story has a tie-in to my earlier story "Grief," but they don't depend on one another. **

BEING ASCENDED

He walks—_floats, glides, drifts?—_through the gate behind Oma DeSala. It requires no effort, merely the thought of _going_—_for some reason he thinks of beaches and sunshine, and then tries to retract the thought, but the mere suggestion sets him down beside the whitest sand and bluest water he's ever seen—_he deliberately thinks of Oma again and she appears beside him.

'Where are we' he asks, although he has no voice.

'You chose this place' she replies silently. 'You tell me.'

He looks around, and the scene resolves into familiarity, a beach he visited with his parents when he was about four—Spain, he remembers. A family holiday. _As the memory comes, they appear—man and woman and child, walking hand in hand along the water's edge; the boy breaks away and runs joyfully into the surf._

'Are we really there' he asks.

'This is your doing.'

'Then this can't be real' he says.

_And just like that the littlel family is gone—but not before the child raises his head and looks toward the two beings on the beach and smiles._

'I remember that! I thought I saw a man, but then he vanished' He turns to Oma. 'Was I really there just then, on that beach, over thirty years ago? Did I see myself? Can I travel through time?'

'You can do what you can do' she replies, enigmatic as always.

'Yeah, right. Now what' he asks.

'Why did you bring us here' she asks in return.

'I meant to follow you. I only had a random thought about beaches.'

'Nothing is random' she says. 'All things have a reason.'

He thinks about that. This is one of the really good memories of his childhood, a day with his parents when their attention was focused entirely on him, not on a dig or an artifact or a museum exhibit. Such times were rare. He felt peaceful and happy here. Perhaps that is reason enough.

Oma smiles, and he wonders if she can hear his thoughts, the ones he has not directed at her, that is. Is privacy even a consideration on this plane of existence? She smiles again and his question is answered. He cannot read _her_ thoughts, however; perhaps it is something he must learn.

There is so much to learn, he believes. That is the reason he is here, after all, to learn and do good.

'How do I begin' he asks.

'You have begun already' Oma nods once to him and then is gone.

_Right. That's helpful._

For a while—_how long? a moment? a year?—_he remains on the beach. It comes to him, finally, that in order to learn, he must search, and he casts his consciousness outward into the universe...

Exploding stars! Chaos! Noise, confusion! So many voices, speaking, screaming, shouting, wailing, pleading! So much pain, fear...

He falls into darkness and blessed quiet.

'That is not how you begin' Oma's voice. Sad, but with a touch of humor.

'Small steps' he responds after an eon—_or an instant._

'Small steps.'

He returns to the beach, consciously this time. A refuge, a place to consider and plan how he should proceed. Cautiously, gingerly, he stretches his senses outward and listens, observes.

Someone is crying. He focuses on the sound. Sam. He sees her; she is lying on her couch, crying softly. He moves down close, reaches out to comfort her. But he cannot touch her. When he speaks her name, she does not hear him. Puzzled, he tries again; his hand simply will not make contact, his words have no voice.

He does not understand—he was able to touch Jack, to talk with him. Why not Sam? Wasn't he closer to Sam? Shouldn't she sense his presence?

It is something he wants to consider, but he realizes that Sam needs help, and he focuses on that. He sees the past few days—_only a few days since he ascended?—_sees that she has withdrawn, not left her house, not eaten nor talked with anyone. For four days she has been alone. Why haven't they checked on her, he wonders. And it comes to him that she asked for time off, said she was going to visit her brother.

Jack. He must find Jack. And at once he sees him. The Colonel is just leaving the Mountain—headed for his truck in the parking lot.

**x x x**

Jack unlocked his truck and climbed into the driver's seat. He sat for a moment and relaxed, locked his hands behind his head and stretched his neck carefully. As he reached forward to put the key in the ignition, a hand touched his arm.

"Hello, Jack." Daniel was sitting in the passenger seat.

Jack jerked back reflexively, banging his head on the window. "Ow!" His hand flew to his head. "Daniel! Jeez! You scared the crap outta me!"

Daniel winced. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you do that."

"It's okay." He rubbed his head and stared at Daniel. "How's... uh...how's things going? How's ascension treatin' you?"

"I'm working on it," Daniel admitted.

"What's it like?" Jack asked curiously.

"Confusing. Strange. How long has it been, Jack?"

"Since...?"

"Since I ascended."

"Ah. Yes. Let's see—a week." He nodded. "Yep, one week tomorrow. Why? Don't you know?"

"Well—it's hard to tell," Daniel replied slowly. "It seems I can sort of move around in time. One minute it's as if only a few hours have gone by—and then at other times..." He sighed. "It's just hard to tell."

"Have you met many other glowy folks?"

"Just Oma so far. But I know they're there—waiting and watching. Look, Jack, I came to see you because you need to do something."

"What's that?"

"Sam's in trouble. You need to go to her."

Jack frowned. "What kind of trouble? She's gone to California to her brother's."

"No. She didn't go. She's at home. She's been there ever since she left the Mountain four days ago."

Jack's frown deepened. "But she said... Why wouldn't she go?"

"I think she doesn't want to see anyone. She hasn't left the house. She's not eating. She looks awful, Jack; she's lost weight—she's going to make herself sick." He looked at Jack pleadingly. "It's my fault."

"She took it hard," Jack said softly. "We all did. Why didn't you talk to her?"

"I tried. But she can't see me or hear me like you can. That's why I came to you."

"Okay. I'm going." Jack started the truck, headed across the parking lot and out onto the road.

"Thanks," Daniel said. "Good-bye, Jack."

"Bye, Daniel. Don't be a stranger." When Jack glanced over at the passenger seat a moment later, it was empty.

**x x x**

He watches until Jack has found Sam, and talked to her—he knows Jack will take care of her.

'We cannot interfere' a voice says.

He searches—_how does he search, where is he looking, or listening?—_Oma is suddenly there beside him.

'I don't understand' he says.

'We are not permitted to interfere in the lives of... lesser beings.'

'What I did was wrong? Is that what you're saying? I asked one friend to check on another.'

'It is a near thing. Not quite active interference. You must take care.'

'Why? What will happen' he asks.

'They will stop you. The Others.'

'The other ascended beings. Where are they?'

'They are here' she says. 'If you break the rule, you will be punished.'

'How do I know what the rules are?'

'If you break the rule, you will be punished' she repeats.

'You're saying I won't know what the rule is until I've broken it?' he asks, disbelieving.

'You are new. You will be allowed some latitude.'

'Wow, that's big of them.'

He thinks he hears her laugh as she disappears once more. _Ascended beings can have a sense of humor?_

Looking—_feeling, sensing, listening?—_ he cannot find any evidence of the presence of any Others. He is somewhat annoyed. How can he learn if they will not interact with him? Do they interact with each other? His expectation is of beings who _want_ to share their knowledge, their wisdom. Because Oma did, he assumes they would also, but maybe he is wrong. Maybe he is on his own.

The thought of this is very disturbing. He has been led to believe that only those people who are good have the capacity to ascend—and that he is one of them; certainly he has tried to be good, even if he has not always succeeded. The fact that he has ascended implies that he will find others like himself on this plane. But he would not ignore a new being in his company, he would try to be helpful, try to be welcoming, or at least open to another's presence. He would not leave another in isolation.

Yet, isolated is how he feels. Alone. Well—except for Oma's brief contacts, of course. She is probably watching him now, listening to his thoughts, waiting to see what he will do. Probably they all are, now that he thinks about it.

So. His first act has been to interfere with a _lesser being_—whoa! wouldn't Jack be annoyed at being called _that!_—and to be reprimanded for it. And he knows he would try to do the same again. _Will try._ He wonders what the punishment will be.

**x x x**

He has returned to the beach in Spain. It is as beautiful as ever, but now it is crowded with people. He wanders around in surprise. These are not people he knows, or has ever seen. There are men and women of all ages and races, dressed in everything from ball gowns to loincloths. One elderly man, with white hair, is seated under an umbrella with a book in his hand. He looks up and nods as Daniel passes by.

Daniel stops and offers a smile. 'Hello. My name is Daniel.'

'Matteus.' The man nods again and turns back to his book.

Daniel stands there for a few moments, realizes he is now being ignored. 'Yeah. Nice to meet you, too.'

A pretty young woman in a sari comes up and walks around him, looking him up and down. 'I have been speaking to you for some time. Why do you not answer?'

'I didn't hear you' he says, surprised. 'I'm sorry. I can't read your thoughts.'

'But you hear me now.'

'Yes.'

'Odd' she says. 'My name is Lakshmi.'

'Daniel.'

'He is only recently come' another voice chimes in. 'He does not know how to mindspeak.'

Daniel turns and finds a black man about his own age, wearing a suit. The man's face is familiar, but he can't place it. 'I'm sorry. Isn't it all... mindspeak.'

'Why have you brought us here' someone else demands. An older woman this time, her hair wound in a braid around her head; she is wearing a dress in the style of the 1940s.

He starts to deny it, then realizes that must be what has happened. 'I suppose I was curious about you.'

'Why' a young man with long brown hair asks 'What is there to be curious about?'

By now a number of other people have come closer—Daniel is at the center of a growing crowd.

'I wondered where you are. And what you are doing' he says in answer to the young man's question. 'How long have you been here? Where did you come from?'

'What do these things matter' yet another person demands.

'I want to learn. How do things work here? What do you do with your time?'

Matteus looks up from his book. 'He is a questioner.'

'We haven't had one of those in a while' another says. He glances toward the black man. 'Not since Martin here.'

The black man smiles at the startled expression on Daniel's face.

'Before that there was Albert, and Abraham' someone else adds.

'There was also the French girl. The one called Joan'

'And the Holy Man,' Lakshmi adds. 'Yeshua.'

Daniel says, 'Where are they...'

'I am Joan' A teenaged girl, dressed in armor of the middle ages, with a sword attached at her waist, pushes her way through the crowd and stops before Daniel, looks him up and down. 'You are the newest one. Where did you come from? What's your name?'

'My name is Daniel Jackson. I came from Earth in the year 2001. Are you Joan of Arc?'

'Some called me that.'

'And the others they mentioned? Yeshua... is he...'

'You will not meet him' Lakshmi tells him. 'He has advanced. We can not hear him.'

'He is far beyond us' Martin adds.

'They were nearly all earth people, the questioners' a boy with bright blue eyes says. 'Mohamet, Gandhi, Confucius.'

'Will you talk to me? Tell me about yourselves? Share your wisdom' Daniel asks.

'Why should we' the blue-eyed boy demands.

'But that's why you are all here, isn't it? Because you learned wisdom in your life? Or because you had done good things' Daniel looked around in frustration at all the people gathered there. 'I don't understand.'

'You must learn' Lakshmi says.

'Who will teach me?' he asks.

'You must learn' Matteus adds, and vanishes.

One by one they all vanish, until Daniel is standing alone on the beach once again. He turns in a circle, looking around. No not quite alone. A single man is standing near the edge of the sea, looking out over the water. Daniel walks over to him. The man is old, elderly in fact, with a deeply lined face, and gray hair and beard, with only traces left of the black they once were. He stands straight, despite his age, thin, taller than Daniel by several inches.

'You're Abraham' Daniel says.

'Yes.'

They walk side by side along the beach.

'Tell me about the world in your time' Abraham says after a while.

'Can't you see it?' Daniel wants to know.

'I can see it. But seeing it from here is not living in it. We see too much from here. We see all that is happening, why it is happening, what the consequences will be, and all of the options. It is impossible to... savor... such an experience. Please. Tell me what _you_ saw and felt, Daniel.'

So he tries. He tells briefly of his own childhood, the loss of his parents, of his retreat into the academic world, and being rejected by that world because of his outlandish ideas. Then the wonder of finding out about the Stargate, of making it work! Knowing that there were other worlds and people beyond Earth! He tells in more detail of his wonderful year with Sha're on Abydos, how every day was a new joy. And then her loss, and his hatred of the Goa'uld, his quest to find her—and losing her again that final time. As he speaks he realizes that in the end, all that he had left was his desire for vengeance against the Goa'uld.

'That is not all that you had, Daniel' Abraham tells him.

'What do you mean' he asks.

'You cared about people, you wanted to protect the innocent—to defend those who can't defend themselves. That's how you died.'

'You wanted the same thing' Daniel says after a moment.

'Yes. And a bloody war was my legacy' Abraham says ironically.

'That doesn't change your intentions' And then Daniel is quiet for a long time.

They pause in a place where the beach curves gracefully into a beautiful bay. Across the bay stands the ruin of an ancient fortress. Daniel recalls seeing it when he visited here in his childhood.

'We can't interfere with events on the mortal plain.'

'Yes, I heard that the first time,' Daniel says, frustrated. 'But we could prevent so much pain...'

'Pain is part of living, part of learning. We need our pain. It makes us who we are'

'So much of it is unnecessary...'

'How do we know that?' Abraham asks. 'You thought that the pain you suffered when you lost your wife was random and cruel. But without it you wouldn't have become the man you are. And you would not be here.'

'If it had spared her the pain she suffered, I would willingly have remained the geeky kid that I used to be' he replies vehemently.

Abraham smiles sadly. 'And that again is the true reason why you _are_ here.'

'That is a contradiction' Daniel cries 'I'm here because I want to help... but I'm not _supposed_ to help.'

'I know' Abraham nods sadly. 'At first, I felt the way you do. But as I said before; we see too much from here. Knowing all of the motives, and the consequences... makes it impossible to act. There is a balance, Daniel. If we act, we can upset that balance'

'What?! You're saying that in the end, it all comes out fair? How the hell is suffering fair? It's _my people_ who are suffering! I can't just ignore that' He stops, stares at Abraham 'Being ascended isn't a... step toward some higher existence! It's Hell, isn't it? Being powerful enough to help, but being prevented! It's punishment! For what? What did we do'

He glares accusingly at Abraham, who has simply waited for him to wind down.

'There is no fair ending, Daniel' Abraham says gently. 'It is ongoing; the balance shifts from time to time. It is not punishment. In that respect it is no different than Earthly life. Many good people on Earth endured hardships. Many evil people lived long lives of pleasure. Did people deserve to be slaves because of their skin color? Did half a million men deserve to die to end slavery?'

Daniel is standing now with arms crossed tightly across his chest. 'God didn't do that' he says, revealing his deep desire for justice. 'Men did that to each other.'

Abraham does not answer.

'Does God exist' Daniel demands 'A Supreme Being—beyond ascension, beyond... well, just beyond! Do you know what I mean?'

'Yes, I do know what you mean' Abraham says 'but I don't know the answer.'

Daniel stares at him, shocked. He'd expected... something more. Something _definite_.

Abraham smiles sadly. 'It may be that there _is_ nothing definitive, Daniel. There are layers upon layers upon layers of existence. _I_ believed absolutely in God all of my earthly life, and I expect I shall do so until the end of this life. But that is only my belief.'

Daniel is silenced.

**x**

Eventually, as always, Daniel finds his voice again. 'Evil exists' he says. 'Evil is _definite_. And plentiful.'

They are walking again, the setting sun at their backs, shadows long on the sand in front of them.

'Evil most assuredly exists' Abraham concedes.

'The Goa'uld system lord Anubis is the personification of evil. He did such unspeakable things, even the other system lords cast him out. And now he's determined to conquer our galaxy, no matter how much destruction he causes. According to the Tok'ra, he's powerful enough to do it, too.'

'Anubis has an advantage' Abraham says.

'What do you mean?'

'He is partially ascended.'

Daniel stops in shock. 'What? What does that mean? Partially? How could an evil being like that ascend?'

'He was assisted.'

Daniel stands open-mouthed as he absorbs this.

'When his assistor realized what he was, she tried to stop him' Abraham continues. 'She was not entirely successful. The Others did prevent him from being able to use the ascended powers. He can only do those things he could do as a mortal. However, he gained a great deal of knowledge from his partial ascension, and he was not prevented from becoming truly immortal."

'What!'

'He can't be killed. It's been thousands of years, and in that time he has acquired huge amounts of Ancient technology.'

Daniel is shaking his head in disbelief. 'This is crazy! How could he possibly... who would have helped him?"

Abraham simply looks at Daniel without answering.

It takes a moment, and then his breath goes out in a whoosh. 'Oma?! Oma helped him ascend? Why?'

'He tricked her. After he was cast out by the Goa'uld, he learned about Kheb and went there to study. He spent centuries researching ascension. When she tested him, he passed. When she tried to reverse the ascension, she could not.'

'Why didn't the Others send him back? Couldn't they help.'

Abraham's gaze rises from Daniel's face and looks beyond him. He turns to find Oma standing at his other side.

'The Others didn't feel they should undo what I had done' she says sadly. 'In that way, they thought I would learn not to interfere.'

'Oh, my god' Daniel says softly. 'They're punishing you! You have to watch as he wreaks havoc! The lives and suffering of billions of people across the galaxy mean nothing to them! They're no better than the Goa'uld.'

There are tears in his eyes as he shakes his head and walks away from them, down the beach.

**x x x**

'I want to return to mortal existence' Daniel says.

A long time has passed since his walk on the beach with Abraham, and learning the truth about Anubis. Following that revelation, he found himself full of loathing for the company of ascended beings. He did his best to distance himself from them.

He has spent most of his ascended time studying and contemplating the difference between good and evil. He did not find the clear boundary that he had expected. If it is evil to allow people to suffer, then all ascended being are evil. Yet, ascension was given to those whom he knows were good and worthy people; Abraham, Gandhi, Joan, Martin.

Daniel has observed the history of the many humanities. People of true wisdom and compassion are few and far between, but beings of pure, unadulterated evil are also rare.

He recalls the things Abraham told him. 'We see too much from here. We understand all the reasons and all the consequences.' Understanding is what Abraham has gained.

And Daniel does not understand. At times when he cannot bear the confusion and pain, he has returned to the beach in Spain, and watched his four-year-old self enjoying some of the truly happy moments of his childhood. For a while he can lose himself in the memory—but sooner or later, the reality of what came after always intrudes.

'If you return to mortal life, you will not recall what you have learned here' Oma tells him. 'For a while you will not even remember who you are. You will not recognize your friends. You will be reborn into the world naked, innocent and ignorant.'

'Very well.' He takes the time then to go and visit the people who mean the most to him. Without their knowledge, of course, he observes their lives, commits them to his memory, in the hopes that every trace of them will not be wiped away.

Then he returns to Oma. 'I'm ready.'

—fin—


End file.
